Will any fantasy fans critique my first chapter/writing style?
I haven’t written in aaages, so go easy, hehe. Also, if you answer on this one, will you see my other question with my second half of the chapter in please? So many people on here post their first chapter as just a few paragraphs, but this will be full length
here goes.
Vesol inspected his sabre dozily the sweltering, mid-afternoon humidity in the temple collecting on his forehead. The curved single-edged blade, the large ceremonious hand guard and the crystalline amber pommel were all too valiant and pompous-looking to fit his job. The job in question included slouching against a door all day, ever vigilant against imaginary threats. The city of Halen was a beehive of military planning and activity for the war in the frozen north. As such its inhabitants were incredibly paranoid.
Vesol sighed, toying with the ebony scabbard and standing to attention as another important person and his entourage entered through the large walnut door, ready for their audience with the General. He smiled and stepped aside to allow the white bearded, bespectacled man and his servants inside.
“Thank you, Captain” said the man without a glance.
Many people entered and exited the office that day. The only noises Vesol heard were dull, droning mumbles. The last guests left well after night had fallen.
A fully armoured Private wearing his white plumed gold helmet came hobbling up to the office and saluted.
“There are some unplanned visitors for the General, sir” he puffed, stooping a little.
“Are there any more scheduled meetings today Vex?” Vesol asked.
“No sir.”
“The General will not want to be bothered after hours. Send them on their way.”
The Private muttered something and walked labouredly away. It had become nippy and cold in the hallway, and frequent gusts of wind blew in through the open windows.
Vesol slouched a while longer, wondering when the General would decide to go home and relieve him of duty.
Screams of confusion and horror haunted the breeze coming from outside. Vesol drew his sword and stood upright. Two figures rounded the corner, one white, the other draped in black.
“What is this? Where’s Vex?” The black cloaked man walked calmly up to Vesol. “Stop right there! Who are you? Stop or I swear I’ll stick this in your guts!” he brandished the ceremonial sabre like a common breadknife.
The man chuckled darkly. The woman in white next to him smiled mechanically.
“Stand down Captain. We have urgent business with the General” he said in a patronising manner. It was as if Vesol posed no threat at all.
“Arkana, if you would do the honour…” he spoke confidently.
The woman dressed in white stepped forward. Vesol noticed that both her hair and cloak were white, and her eyes had no irises or visible pupils. What happened next was a blur. As she streaked towards him, the woman’s fist connected with his chest so quickly that he almost missed it. The blow winded him, sending him flying through the walnut doors, which had been left unlocked. He skidded painfully across the floor, further denting his antique armour, his head hitting the General’s desk with a loud thwack. A bitter sweet taste filled his mouth and a dull, splitting pain spread through his skull and brain.
Everything blurred, and then he heard the General’s chair scrape back. Nothing was said, but the atmosphere in the room was tense.
The sound of armoured feet clattering on the stone floors could be heard as guards came to defend the general. The pair drew blades, and from his lower vantage point Vesol glimpsed the man’s fearsome eyes. They looked dark red. And angry.